I've found myself wondering recently how many of the world's problems are fundamentally about listening. Listening is something I'm pretty sure I don't do as well as I might and I'm sure I fall into the trap mentioned by Stephen R Covey in his book 7 habits of highly effective people:
"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."
When you listen, do you seek to understand the other's perspective, idea or feelings, or do you look for something you can pick on to justify your own position, question their motives or defend your actions?
Recently I found myself in a position where something that could have a substantive impact on my job was being discussed in a way I felt inappropriate. I said so and made it abundantly clear there was no way things could proceed as proposed whilst being ethically (or potentially legally) sound. My argument was clear, simple, could easily be demonstrated to be correct by consulting any good HR professional and yet it was ignored.
The reason? People weren't listening. Good people who know better just weren't listening to what I was saying. They, I think, were hearing me demand no process at all, a desire for my job to be untouchable. I believe they heard me defending my position and, significantly, they heard that I was upset.
I was upset. But that didn't mean what I said didn't have substance and could be written off as inevitable personal feeling that would pass. Of course the initial upset has passed, but the fundamental problem hasn't.
As I've attempted to resolve things through talking to people, surely that's the best way, some of those involved have consistently failed to listen, resulting in my motives being questioned and accusations that I'm out to trap people through inconsistencies. That couldn't be further from the truth.
In the situation I find myself in today, sadly it seems that I am not trusted. The reason is simply because people haven't listened. They've heard the words coming out of my face, or read my emails and looked for the threat they assume to be there, misinterpreting what I have said and making a bad situation worse.
My words have been twisted into accusations, all because people have only listened with the intent to reply, rather than an intent to understand.
Listening is hard but it's the only way to reconcile differences without a fight. That might end up with a difficult compromise, but no compromise is possible if you won't trust and you can't trust without understanding and you can't understand without listening.
