I'm sorry you feel that way...

If you're sorry, say sorry. If you're not sorry, don't say it.

Here are some things people said to me at various times, and what they really mean.

• "I'm sorry you feel that way" - What you say to someone who's ill.
• "I'm sorry if we hurt you" - I don't think we did, you do and you're wrong.
• "I'm sorry you think that" - You're wrong and I feel sorry for you.
• "I'm sorry you see things that way" - You're entire outlook on life is wrong.

Really they all mean the same thing: "I'm not sorry, I have nothing to apologise for but I want to smooth things over and sound like the good person I know myself to be".


There's a way of thinking that says you should never apologise for what you believe to be true; that you should never compromise on your vision or be swayed by those who are emotionally or ideologically weak.

These ideas are lies told by people who consider the art of manipulation to be the best way to get ahead in life.

Should you apologise if you don't think you're in the wrong? Maybe not, it all depends on the circumstances but the key is to be honest. If an apology is expected/demanded, and you're not prepared to give one... don't.

The fake apology, using the word sorry without actually meaning it and inserting a little condition that pushes the fault back to the third party, is a favourite of corporate communications people. You never admit fault, but you do want people to feel better...

It's more lies... Just admit your failure.

How to apologise

Here's something we teach children when they're about three years old: "say sorry", "SORRY!", "no, say sorry and mean it"...

If you're older than three and you still haven't got that I'm not sure what hope there is for you, but here are some pointers:

• Admit wrong without condition
• Apologise without condition
• Look to move forward

It really isn't difficult. Here are some examples:

"I can see we handled this badly and this has upset you. I'm sorry. Will you work with us to resolve things?"

"When I said that, I didn't mean to imply that you were dishonest but I understand it came across that way and I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

"I genuinely thought I was doing the best thing for all concerned but I didn't listen to what you were saying and I'm sorry. Can we start again with this?"

See?

But I'm really not sorry...

Ok, you want to placate this upset/angry person but you don't really feel you've done wrong... what can you do?

Maybe nothing. It's entirely possible that you can't fix this because you feel strongly about your position and you're not willing to compromise. All you can do is seek to understand the third party's position, whilst being open to the possibility that you're wrong.

So what do you say? How about this:

"I know you feel we handled this badly and I'm not saying we're perfect, but we do think we've done the best we can. What are your specific concerns and what would you like me/us to do about them?"

"I stand by what I said, but I think you misinterpreted it."

"I understand you don't feel I've listened to your concerns. Let's talk about that. I want to make sure we understand each other's position on this."

It's a little bit harder isn't it... But it's honest.

Personally I suspect that if you're in this position, you probably should be accepting some responsibility and saying sorry... but meaning it. If you tend to think you're always in the right and have nothing to apologise for, you're probably wrong.

Finally I would suggest that if you're really not sorry, and you're not prepared to consider the possibility of being wrong, in my experience you're definitely in the wrong. Then again you won't listen to anything I say.